This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Be still, my beating vagina.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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