I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
