Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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