you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
