I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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