Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
