The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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