I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Randomize
