she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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