Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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