I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
