proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
