Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
