Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
