38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I supernannyed him into submission
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
