i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
