Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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