Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
