I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
