Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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