I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
