In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The beer is more important than you right now.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
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Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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