You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
