there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
