I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
