On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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