I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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