I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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