after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
