you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
