Yo dont text me then not text me
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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