so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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