Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
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I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
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I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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