Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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