I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
