I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
