How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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