I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
