I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
