I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
