based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
