The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
