Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
