And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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