; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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