If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
