Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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