I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
