She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
