She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
