listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
