I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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