Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
