ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
