It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
